Bent over by HP  

Thursday, 2 April 2015

Promo emails are a fact of life these days. Irritating at the best of times, but irksome in the extreme when received from a company that has just cost you 500 quid. Looking at you, Hewlett-Packard, with your epicly rubbish HP2000 laptop. Yesterday I got a promo email from HP entitled, "Does your PC bend over backwards for you?" Well, I have to say - the only thing bent over with regards HP was me....over a desk, with my trousers round my ankles as HP went in dry. Here is my response:

Dear HP

I have just received a promotional email from you for your latest piece of crap laptop. Before I unsubscribe from your list forever, I just wanted to share a little bit of personal history with you concerning me and HP.

I have been an HP customer for years. Pavilion was my first desktop PC back in the day when Windows 95 was considered cutting edge. It was a good machine. In fact, I still have it and it still works - albeit with upgraded software. After that machine, I purchased lots more HP machines for both personal use and that of my company. I've always found them to be solidly built and good value. Then came the HP2000 with Windows 8. That changed everything.

I purchased said laptop in Japan for a Japanese member of staff. Just over a year later, I had cause to use the machine. Actually try to use would be a better description. To call it non-functional would be like describing the Titanic as slightly waterlogged. In short, I've seen lumps of mahogany that were more responsive - and more useful - than the HP2000. Just a few of the highlights included incredibly s-l-o-w performance, having the attention span of a goldfish when it came to recalling which network it was supposed to be connected to, and having to reinstall (the HP fer chrissakes) printer EVERY SINGLE TIME I wanted to print something. After struggling for nearly a day with it, installing every patch and update including windows 8.1, the damn thing locked up completely.

I can tell you, it was with a great deal of personal satisfaction - bordering on joy - that i took the machine outside and literally put a hammer through it.

In case you're wondering why we didn't return it at the start of this sorry saga? Well, that's the thing about the Japanese - they never complain. If the boss says "here's your new PC" then that's what you use. So, basically, along with the cost of having to purchase a new machine which DID work (thank you Asus), I have a year's worth of lost productivity to factor into the equation.

So, in summary, as you seem to be applying the same level of diligence to your product quality as you do your M&A activities, I won't be buying your new laptop. Or any other HP product. Ever again.

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