A very modern Xmas…  

Thursday, 10 December 2009

Just like everything else in the screwed-up mess that is now the UK, ‘Elf ‘n’ Safety have taken over Christmas!

The Rocking Carol
Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of 
allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice 
cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a 
suitable alternative.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records 
Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby 
Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and 
be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking 

Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered 
safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also 
consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a 
venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please 
note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their 
fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we 
would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be 
considered a noise nuisance.

While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground,
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The Union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety 
regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without 
appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools 
and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested 
that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that 
they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated 
shepherd observation huts.
Please note, the Angel of the Lord is reminded that before shining his / 
her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been 
issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, 
UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All Policy, it is 
inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of 
any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer 
from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary 
action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full 
investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on 
full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.

Little Donkey
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load 
that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the 
guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many 
rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note 
that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and 
Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any 
airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being 
labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. 
Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an 
infringement of his equine rights.

We Three Kings
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be 
redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'Cash for Gold' 
etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the 
potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A 
suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause 
in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars 
in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC 
Routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route 
and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines 
from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of 
Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three 
kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camel 

Away in a Manger No Crib for a bed - This is definitely one for Social Services!

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